Starting Over..?

You never realize how much your blog helps you until you go ages without it. But guess what… Here I am!

My family, again, has moved. HUGE move. Let’s just say I went from a huge city to a town that doesn’t even have a supermarket. My entire school is the size of half  the freshman class at my old school. It’s a major change of culture, and I’m not used to it. I have always been a city kid. The last time I lived in the country was eighth grade, and we all know how that went.

The truth is, handling life has been really hard for me lately. I had finally settled into my old school. I finally had a few real friends- friends I could actually talk to and be real with. I finally felt like I was on the verge of something amazing. I felt loved and taken care of. I had my best friend (you know who you are), and my boyfriend (you know who you were), and my sister. I felt like I could handle life, no matter what. My eating disorders were slowly going away, my homework was getting done with time to spare. For a brief moment, I was so happy.

That’s gone now. I have to start over. I’m here at a new school where I’m known as the new kid, and the things and people that I cared about are gone. My sister is moving away this weekend, and then I will be alone. I won’t have anybody that I can really talk to. I already feel so lost and alone. I’m so glad to be able to blog again, because it really is one of the only outlets I have right now.

It’s true.

I’ve started running most days because it helps me clear my mind and get rid of some energy. Keep in mind, I’m really not in shape. The amount of running I do is probably pathetic. But it’s so much more than I thought I could do. I guess running is a mental thing. Sure, it kinda hurts physically after a while. But whether you keep pushing yourself or not is really a matter of what you decide to do. You can run a lot longer than you first think.

Aside from that, I’ve joined debate. I haven’t actually done a debate yet, so there’s not much to be said about that… But I am working on a case so that I can debate on the 23rd. I hope that goes well.

Basically, I’m kinda struggling day to day right now. Some days I feel okay, and some days I’m doing well just to stand up and walk somewhere. I’ve been really good at hiding it lately, but I feel so alone. I think that… All these people are gone from my life, just like that. And for some reason that makes me question what I’m worth. Like, did they really care as much as they said? Did they really care as much as I did? I think I put way too much faith into people. In the end, I am always the one that held on while they let go. I hold on and hold on. One day, those people will need me, and I will be right here- regardless of the fact that they were gone. That’s the way it is with me. Once I’ve loved someone fully, I don’t stop. It’s a painful reality.

Plus, I’m really sick. I’ve been sick for the past…. 4 weeks? Yep. My mom thinks I have mono. I’m refusing to have mono because that would mean no running. But I’m really tired of being sick. I just want to feel better already. Is that so unrealistic?

I’m essentially trying to start life over. This is a new place, and I can be a new me. I’m working hard at my school work. I’m trying to decide right now who I’m going to be, because this place doesn’t know me, so I can be anybody… But it’s not working, because I’m not happy. So I don’t know what to do. I don’t know, I don’t know, and I need somebody. I need to feel like somebody cares for me right now. Like maybe there’s somebody in this broken up place who won’t let go. Why do people always let go? They give up. I’m a hopeless mess, so they give up. Maybe I need to become worth enough to hold onto. Is that it? People won’t hold onto me for more than a little while, because I’m not worth that. I get it. They’ll hold onto you until they can’t see you anymore. Once you’re this far away, they’re gone, gone, and you never existed.

The thing is, I’m trying hard not to act like I’m depressed. As far as I can tell, showing actual emotion isn’t getting me anywhere. The world doesn’t like that type of thing. It’s an inconvenience to all those people who are actually happy. (How dare I slow down the average happiness of America?) You don’t get it, people! I am trying to be happy! I am trying to play your games! I’m just not good at it.

So what do you guys do when you’re depressed? I kinda wanna know, because this sucks, and I’m starting to really wonder if there’s a point.

-Kennedy

“I got out, I got out, I’m alive, and I’m here to stay.” — Jake Bugg, “Two Fingers”