Where Liberty Dwells

“Happy 4th of July!”

I have heard it a million times today and I’ve said it quite a few times myself, but I didn’t really start thinking about the phrase until the day was almost over. Why do we say “4th of July?” Perhaps it’s merely because “4th of July” is a syllable shorter than “Independence Day” and it’s quite a bit easier to spell. When I think about it, though, the phrase is something of a disappointment because it completely disregards the meaning of the holiday.

I did one of those things where you think for a long time (uh-oh), and I realized that Independence Day is such an important event. I’ve never been very patriotic, honestly. But today I understand exactly what a blessing it is to be an American (for all of my non-American readers, I love you all and I hope you have awesome rights).

Do not forget why America became America.

Independence Day is about freedom! I mean, of course we’re not paying outrageous taxes to any sort of European king because this is America (our very own independent country), and that’s all well and good. But I think it’s about more than that. Way back when there were pilgrims and stuff, we left Europe because we wanted to make our own decisions and form our own beliefs. (You’re probably like “Duh…”) Think about it though! There are so many things that we can be doing that we simply are not doing. Here are the three main ones I’ve been thinking about:

1. We can believe whatever we want to. There will be people who say that what you believe is stupid or wrong, and who cares? You get to believe what you want without being put into jail for it. If you want to go to church, you can do so. If you want to pray, you can do that whenever or wherever you want. You can carry a Bible or whatever book it is that you want to read from. You can take a stand for/against abortion and you can take a stand for/against video games or whatever it is. Nobody is stopping you, because this is America… If we have this amazing right, why do we so seldom take advantage of it? I mean, I see so many people choosing to believe what their friends/teachers/parents tell them they should. And I do it too!!! When I think of Independence Day, I realize how important it is to open our eyes and look at what’s true and right. We cannot rely only on what people tell us- we have to learn things for ourselves and make a decision. Not everyone has this right. Let’s use it.

2. We can say anything we want to! I’m not talking about screaming profanities at the top of our lungs. No. I mean that we are allowed to express what we believe and why. When was the last time you sat in a room full of people who disagreed with you, and you still spoke your true thoughts? I admire people who are like that. I myself know that if everyone disagrees with me, I keep my mouth shut unless it’s something I’m passionate about. It happens every day! We’re afraid of what people will think of us, we want people to like us, so we keep our mouths shut about what we believe! Most of us don’t want to be bullied for what we stand for- so we take no stand. Today I realize that there is no point in believing something if you don’t say something about it. I can tell people that I am pro-life, and they can’t do anything to change that. But it will not matter that I’m pro-life unless I make it known- unless I tell the world why I disagree with abortion. I can stand for anything I want to, so maybe it’s time to do so.

3. We can do what we love. We can bake, we can sing, we can write, we can paint, we can become lawyers. It takes hard work, yes. Some of us will have to conquer some extreme financial barriers, yes. But we all have a chance to work hard so that we can do what we love. We’re not necessarily stuck doing the same thing our parents did or whatever. Let’s work hard to do what we love to do and be who we love to be.

So, anyways, I’m so thankful for all of these rights that we have in America. They absolutely don’t come for free. There are people out there fighting for us right now. They are fighting, not only for what they believe in, but so that we can believe what we want to. To those of you who fight for us- thank you.

To all the others- there are other ways we can fight for our freedom. I can think of two good ones: 1. Use your freedom. America is obviously becoming less okay with different beliefs, and this will continue if we let people mold us into what they want. We have to be independent individuals in order to have an independent nation. 2. Don’t break down people who have different beliefs than you. Of course we are all going to disagree. Does that mean I can’t be friends with someone who is pro-choice? Of course not. We listen to what people say so that they can use their freedom and we can use ours. We’re all different, but let’s stop being jerks about it. I mean, let’s grow up here and stop getting offended by everyone who disagrees.

So you have my two cents. This is important stuff guys. We have freedom that we don’t use. Let’s start using it in a way that is radical. Happy Independence Day!

-Kennedy

“The most courageous act is to think for yourself. Aloud.” –Coco Chanel

Color Me a Coward

Control: something I do not have.

People will tell you a lot of things about eating disorders (the same things over and over), but you will never know the raw truth until see it first hand. I’ve seen eating disorders both glamorized and hated. I never formed any real opinion on them until it was too late to form an accurate one. Some people think that the disorder is something you can get rid of easily, but here’s the catch:

From the perspective of someone who is anorexic, there is no winning side- no right answer- and I’ll tell you why. If you eat food, you’re weak because you gave in. In that moment, you have lost control. In that moment, your feelings have won. But if you starve yourself, part  of you (be it large or be it tiny) knows that you are doing the wrong thing. You cannot tell anyone because they will not understand. That’s when you’re weak for doing something so disgusting to yourself.

Disgusting. It’s interesting how much I hate that word, yet it is the one that is always there. My mind whispers it every day. Disgusting. When I eat crackers- disgusting. When I eat chicken- disgusting. You’re disgusting me, Kennedy. The word echos. I hear it in the halls as though everyone is watching me. She’s disgusting, they must think. Tell me, would you rather be hated by yourself or by everyone else? Which is more dangerous?

It took me three years to even acknowledge that I had an eating disorder. Sometimes it’s easy to hide, sometimes it’s not. The thing is, this is not something I would advertise to anyone. When I developed this disgusting thing, it was between me, myself, and I. Almost anyone you asked would tell you that I ate like a normal person. You know why? Because I didn’t lose weight until after two years. So many people think that they’ll just stop eating and lose weight but that’s not the way it works. For a while, I actually gained weight because my body held onto every last food particle.

Another thing they don’t tell you is that there are other factors that have nothing to do with the size of your belly. For me, it was the feeling of being empty. My whole stomach felt as though it was closing in. My body was as empty as my heart, as empty as my wallet, as empty as a doughnut shop on a Saturday night. The pit inside of me growled and I didn’t listen because I was in control. I liked that. Control was more delicious than cheesecake. Satisfaction is the only way to describe it.

Disgusting: I refuse to let this word define me.

Lastly, I was never told that this would be inescapable. I made a commitment more than a semester ago to recover from my eating disorder. For a few months, I felt as though I had succeeded in becoming a normal eater again. I was skinnier AND I could eat food. Then I started gaining weight. Rapidly. I gained seven pounds. You can’t tell someone you have an eating disorder when you never did get skinny.

I’m about to say something demented, are you ready? Part of me wishes that I had never began this recovery process. Even though I feel healthy, I would take it back. Everyone says that I look healthy. But I have lost control. I have not won. I have given in. Every day, I lose. Every meal, I lose. I cannot stop it.

This is the part of the game where I am a monster for playing it. I am a monster for showing you the truth. And maybe I am a monster. But isn’t it easier to play pretend? Isn’t that what we’re all doing? I wish I could be strong. I wish I could make you happy. But this is the game where no one wins. I’m sorry.

Please, do not play this game. I assure you that nobody will tell you the rules. I can guarantee that you will lose. Unlike other games, this one will not end without crushing you. It will take you months or years to stop playing this game that you never wanted to play. Please, do not become one like me.

-Kennedy

“Do I want to die from the inside out or the outside in?”- Laurie Halse Anderson, Wintergirls 

 

Tell the Right Story

“No one knows for certain how much impact they have on the lives of other people. Oftentimes, we have no clue. Yet we push it just the same.”
― Jay Asher, Thirteen Reasons Why

Every moment of your life has the potential to change someone. You are always telling a story. Every decision you make shows who you are, and the way that you treat people shows who they are to you. Five years from now, you don’t want to look back and regret the way you looked at those people. This is your only chance to show people how amazing they are. Be remembered… But be remembered for the right reasons.

When Tides Change

You know, everything in the world is in constant motion. Everything is moving- even if you can’t see it. Some things move quickly, and some things move so slowly that you have to wonder how they can be going at all. If everything in the world is in constant motion, and if people are in the world, then people must be changing. Okay, that sounds like an incredibly obvious observation, which kinda makes me feel silly because I definitely had to learn this the hard way.

You don’t have to rely on other people. The only person who can live your life is you.

People change. There are people who were huge parts of my life, and I thought they would always be there. I thought I would always feel this deep and unending love for them. Not only that, but I was incredibly stubborn about it. I refused to accept the idea that things would change.

To be honest, it has made me miserable for the past few months because I’ve been holding onto the people of my past who simply aren’t there anymore. I wanted to hold onto the idea of loving them forever and ever. It took me months to realize that: Yes, I will always love these people; but they will change, and I will change, and my love for them will change. It is inevitable.

It will be okay.

I thought that these people would always be the same. They would always be the ones who were there for me during the bad dreams, the “almost eating disorder,” and the rough days. And you know what? Some of them will always be there. But I just can’t expect that to happen. Some of them will move on. They will get a new best friend, a new girl friend, or whatever it is. I have to embrace the idea that the people I love are growing, for better or for worse. Some of them will forget about me. Some of them will not care about me anymore. Some of them- people I loved and love like crazy- will get all mad at me and un-friend me on Facebook and I’ll be like “well, that’s pretty rude.”

The whole concept hurts like no other, but it is an essential part of moving forward. A few weeks ago, I said myself that “the thing about looking back is that it’s really hard to move forward.” I’m so busy grieving over these people who have changed, that I’m forgetting to look at the life that’s right in front of me. It’s time to let go, Kenny. Time to move forward.

I wish you all the best.

-Kenn

“Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn’t stop for anybody.” –Steven Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

The Monster

I do not know how he came to be so large. At times it seems that his youth has passed me by, and we have grown quite familiar. At first, I did not notice him lurking in the corner, slowly growing into something gruesome and abhorrent. In fact, I do not even know his name, though I have a fond disdain for him.

The room was once a mere room- a cube of white-washed walls, a window here, a screen door there. My childhood days took place under the white, simple shelter of the room. Sleepovers and birthday parties were thrown within these four white walls.

But, as most children do, I grew. The room and I, we matured in unison. One reflected the other; each a variable of a direct variation. I clothed the room with lace curtains as it clothed me with feminine cardigans. I furnished the room with each milestone of my life. Trinkets lay about, memories of former moments that would not be forgotten.

Each time I found a new memory, I placed it in the perfect spot. A lamp next to the sofa; a pearl necklace in my creaky wooden chest. The room became a brief memorandum of a million evenings personified by four creamy, off-white walls. Here I placed a thimble; there I placed a dictionary…

And over there, in the last corner of the room, I placed a small piece of my most vital organ. What I did not know, friend, is that a heart- when placed in the right conditions- will regrow and heal itself.

However, when placed in the wrong conditions, it will regrow into something new entirely.

I kept growing, and the room kept growing, and this dark seed kept growing and growing. He became the monster.  His putrid stench lingered in the fourth corner. He was not living, only being. A cavity perhaps? A black hole. One who stood near him would stifle a gag and glance away. Visitors came to admire the room, yet left with noses upturned. My room, though dressed with lace and decorated with summer days, was contaminated by the monster.

I tried time and time again to remove the unwanted beast; but no amount of bleach, no amount of tears, could detach him from the last corner of the room. When friends came to visit, I would cover him up, but he was not to be hidden.

My friend, I have learned to live with the monster. He is, after all, the offspring of my own broken heart.  Meals can be eaten quietly from across the room. Movies can be watched from the left side of the sofa (as long as I keep the volume low, the monster doesn’t mind). I have accepted that the monster may be budged or ignored, but never removed. To anyone else, he will be seen as a blemish, a failure, a mistake; but I know the monster. He is vile, brutish, seductive. He is sweet, sickly sweet, sour. He is death, he is forever, he is the end.

My friends, take care, for you may one day find a monster of your own. When you do, I can offer only one piece of advice to you:

Do not look into his deep brown eyes, lest you find that they are beautiful. Do not look into his deep brown eyes, lest he pull you in closer.

Carry On

“If you’re lost and alone, or you’re sinking like a stone, carry on.” –Carry On by Fun.

Sometimes I wonder why I make such a big deal of things. It really isn’t logical at all. I’ve been trying to change the way I react to things. It goes like this: Something hurts, and the pain demands to be felt. So you feel it, and then you carry on. You move forward. You keep going. However you want to say it. Just get out there, Kenny. There’s a whole world outside of this one situation. Live it up.

Growing Up Sucks

Bonjour, mes amis. My heart is tied in a million knots. See, I’ve been trying and trying to make friends at school and stuff…. And it’s so hard. Truth be told, I miss the people I loved in Garland. And I miss the people I loved in Albuquerque. I mean, there were only a few, but they mean so much to me. It’s so hard to drop everyone, especially when it took you a year and a half to get close to them, and I put so much effort into those few relationships.

I started thinking about it, and I realized that when I felt happy, it was because I had someone to relate to. Two someones. I could talk to them and they would get it. I always had someone to vent to. I don’t have that now. Maybe it’s bad that I need someone to vent to, but I just don’t know what to do. I’m so much stronger when I’m strong for someone. When somebody needs me. But nobody needs me, and I’m not sure how to be strong for myself. I’m so torn between needing someone to cry on and needing somebody to be strong for, but I don’t have either of those. I’m over here pretending to get happier, and I’m falling apart, and I just don’t know what to do. I wish I knew what to do. I wish it wasn’t so hard. I need somebody, I need somebody. I need somebody… I don’t know what to do.

Little Accomplishments

It’s been a pretty crazy week for me, everybody. I would love to tell you about one accomplishment in particular.

From the beginning! Last Monday, as you know, I was sent home sick. Well, yesterday I went to see a doctor who told me a million other things I need to do. One of them was to come back in the morning (having eaten nothing all morning) and have my blood drawn for lab testing.

Stop right there. Rewind. Does anybody remember what happened the last time I got my blood drawn? (Brownie points if you do remember.) Well, I cried. A lot. And turned red. The simple job took ages. Why? It’s just a simple 2-minute job, right? Beep, wrong! Not if you’ve had recurring nightmares about needles. (Good story, find it here.) I am so afraid of needles! SO afraid! All morning I was freaking out. What if I start crying again and they act like I’m a lunatic??

“Keep moving forward.”

People… I didn’t even get a knot in my throat. It was brilliant. I just let her take my blood and then I was done. Yessss! High five for some progress! This is proof that I’m moving forward, guys. And sometimes I have to prove that to myself. Yeah, I can do stuff if I want to. If I try. It’s one small step for me, and one giant step for… eh, me. (I’m not sure where I was going with that one.)

Also- the doctor told me to drink a nutrition shake every day. I learned pretty quickly that those things are delicieux! Yayuh.

I just thought I’d let you know that I can conquer, and life is good. I’m hope to make a whole bunch more steps forward. I guess life is kinda like that- two steps forward, one step back. I just need to stop dwelling on my backward steps and lengthen my forward stride. Hoping you all have an accomplished day! As for me, I am going to write a major paper just in time to turn it in. How fun! Time to get to work.

-Kenny

“We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we’re curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.” — Walt Disney

 

I Will Conquer!

Two new life lessons: throwing up at school is humiliating, and mountain dew works wonders. Feel free to come to whatever conclusions you will.

The whole situation has gotten me thinking about new beginnings. They’re so hard! You have to let go of things. That’s what I have trouble with. Letting go.

But in a way, they’re refreshing. You get to become whoever you want to be. That’s what I’m trying to do, but it’s hard. People who have never been depressed don’t understand how hard it is to be happy. I mean, I really am trying! It’s such a mess sometimes. I’m a mess. But I’m getting there. There are lots of things that hurt, but I’m really trying to get past them.

I’m trying to see things differently. There was a time, before all of this happened, when I remembered to smell the roses and remember the color of the sky. When I asked simple questions like “Why are Justin Timberlake’s songs so long?” or “What are Oreos made of?”

That’s what I’m working for! Yes, there are people I will hold onto, cherish, and love forever and ever… But even though things are different, I gotta get out there with my head up and live life. It’s hard to do some days, like this morning…. But I gotta do it. I just wish that people could get it. That I’m trying. That I would rather be happy. They act like I’m trying to be depressed. This is where it stops.

I’m tired of defining myself by my problems. Looking back, the people I loved the most meant a lot to me because they taught me that the way I think of myself can define me. I’ve spent so much time missing the people I had to leave behind, that I haven’t thought about why I love them.

People- think about the things that your loved ones teach you. Remember them forever! My bestie, she taught me to look forward and see what I can do with my future if I try. My other best friend, he taught me that I am worth loving, and I am worth taking care of myself. It’s time for me to remember all these things that I have learned, and use them.

I can do this, guys. I can be happy if I want to. Sometimes I’ll feel terrible and depressed, but I’m gonna keep trying. That’s the way it’s gonna be. I will conquer. Yayuh.

With droopy feelings but high hopes,

-Kenny

“Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.”

Starting Over..?

You never realize how much your blog helps you until you go ages without it. But guess what… Here I am!

My family, again, has moved. HUGE move. Let’s just say I went from a huge city to a town that doesn’t even have a supermarket. My entire school is the size of half  the freshman class at my old school. It’s a major change of culture, and I’m not used to it. I have always been a city kid. The last time I lived in the country was eighth grade, and we all know how that went.

The truth is, handling life has been really hard for me lately. I had finally settled into my old school. I finally had a few real friends- friends I could actually talk to and be real with. I finally felt like I was on the verge of something amazing. I felt loved and taken care of. I had my best friend (you know who you are), and my boyfriend (you know who you were), and my sister. I felt like I could handle life, no matter what. My eating disorders were slowly going away, my homework was getting done with time to spare. For a brief moment, I was so happy.

That’s gone now. I have to start over. I’m here at a new school where I’m known as the new kid, and the things and people that I cared about are gone. My sister is moving away this weekend, and then I will be alone. I won’t have anybody that I can really talk to. I already feel so lost and alone. I’m so glad to be able to blog again, because it really is one of the only outlets I have right now.

It’s true.

I’ve started running most days because it helps me clear my mind and get rid of some energy. Keep in mind, I’m really not in shape. The amount of running I do is probably pathetic. But it’s so much more than I thought I could do. I guess running is a mental thing. Sure, it kinda hurts physically after a while. But whether you keep pushing yourself or not is really a matter of what you decide to do. You can run a lot longer than you first think.

Aside from that, I’ve joined debate. I haven’t actually done a debate yet, so there’s not much to be said about that… But I am working on a case so that I can debate on the 23rd. I hope that goes well.

Basically, I’m kinda struggling day to day right now. Some days I feel okay, and some days I’m doing well just to stand up and walk somewhere. I’ve been really good at hiding it lately, but I feel so alone. I think that… All these people are gone from my life, just like that. And for some reason that makes me question what I’m worth. Like, did they really care as much as they said? Did they really care as much as I did? I think I put way too much faith into people. In the end, I am always the one that held on while they let go. I hold on and hold on. One day, those people will need me, and I will be right here- regardless of the fact that they were gone. That’s the way it is with me. Once I’ve loved someone fully, I don’t stop. It’s a painful reality.

Plus, I’m really sick. I’ve been sick for the past…. 4 weeks? Yep. My mom thinks I have mono. I’m refusing to have mono because that would mean no running. But I’m really tired of being sick. I just want to feel better already. Is that so unrealistic?

I’m essentially trying to start life over. This is a new place, and I can be a new me. I’m working hard at my school work. I’m trying to decide right now who I’m going to be, because this place doesn’t know me, so I can be anybody… But it’s not working, because I’m not happy. So I don’t know what to do. I don’t know, I don’t know, and I need somebody. I need to feel like somebody cares for me right now. Like maybe there’s somebody in this broken up place who won’t let go. Why do people always let go? They give up. I’m a hopeless mess, so they give up. Maybe I need to become worth enough to hold onto. Is that it? People won’t hold onto me for more than a little while, because I’m not worth that. I get it. They’ll hold onto you until they can’t see you anymore. Once you’re this far away, they’re gone, gone, and you never existed.

The thing is, I’m trying hard not to act like I’m depressed. As far as I can tell, showing actual emotion isn’t getting me anywhere. The world doesn’t like that type of thing. It’s an inconvenience to all those people who are actually happy. (How dare I slow down the average happiness of America?) You don’t get it, people! I am trying to be happy! I am trying to play your games! I’m just not good at it.

So what do you guys do when you’re depressed? I kinda wanna know, because this sucks, and I’m starting to really wonder if there’s a point.

-Kennedy

“I got out, I got out, I’m alive, and I’m here to stay.” — Jake Bugg, “Two Fingers”