On Learning and Eating and Being Pathetic

I think people are constantly motivated by fear. One of the biggest ones: the fear of changing. Leaving routines and habits. And in a way, it makes sense. You don’t want to change your old habits, because they have defined you this far. You can predict what is going to happen, because it has come time and time again to revisit you. And so here we have a society of people who do not grow, because they are content to continue in the same patterns of old. It becomes identity.

In eighth grade, I developed a lot of habits. I would love to tell you that they are all good and have set me firmly on the road to success. Unfortunately, I cannot. Eighth grade is what I refer to as my own Dark Age. And who didn’t go through depression in middle school? I’m sure it’s inevitable.

During eighth grade, I lost my push. My motivation. My abstract continental drift faced a complete stop. I wanted the end. So I chose this path of insanity. I spent as much time as I could in the dark, away from people. I would listen to the same song over and over until it blurred in the back of my mind, a constant soundtrack, and then move on to the next song.

My family was gone most of the time, because my mom was going to college and my siblings had school. I essentially home-schooled myself. I had home-schooled my whole life since 2nd grade, so I was used to being at home. But this year was different because I was going alone. I had my thirst for knowledge that I’ve had since I was a baby, but I didn’t see it a largely as before. Like I said, there was no motivation. I made it look like I had done my work every day, and I was good at that. I did work. Minimal work. I got decent grades. I absorbed the essentials of algebra 1. I absorbed the essentials of creative writing theory. But I did not make an active effort.

That’s really coming back to haunt me. It wasn’t so bad at the time because I was already a year ahead (I was taking high school courses). But my mind started to lose that work ethic that came to me so naturally. I knew I was smart and I did not need to work on my grades. So I didn’t. And that was okay for freshman year, because homework was easy and required almost nothing. Sophomore year is completely the opposite. I have so much work to get done. And don’t get me wrong, I try so hard. I really do work. But there’s still that part of me that misses motivation. If I don’t have a reason to do something, my body fights the will to do it. I have to force myself. It’s stupid. Laziness, it’s so stupid. I know that one day I am going to look back at my life and wish that I had done a better job… But right now, I have to fight the urge to sit around doing nothing.

And then dinner comes. Guess what. Another thing I did in eighth grade: see how long I could go without eating. I don’t think very many people noticed this one, because they were only home for dinner. I would eat small meals for dinner, and nobody would even notice that I never ate anything else. There were sometimes I wouldn’t even eat dinner, and I would just not eat until I literally felt like my insides were splitting apart. I didn’t think I was fat. I just didn’t have an appetite anymore, and I didn’t see a reason to eat. I suppose I was young and idiotic. Well, I gave myself anemia. Not too bad, except that I didn’t know it, and so I didn’t try to fix it. Honestly, I didn’t realize how bad my eating patterns were. I was so blind that even though I was going without food on purpose, I thought I was just a light eater. The next year was my first year at a public school. I would eat lunch with my friends in the cafeteria. This is the point where I realize that I’ve done something quite harmful.

I was supposed to eat breakfast and lunch at school, because I got it for free.

Have you ever noticed that cafeteria food is revolting?

I didn’t eat it. I would get some lunch, sit down, poke it. “Hey, does anyone want my steak fingers?” By the end of D lunch, I had generally consumed a roll and half a serving of milk. I never ate breakfast. I didn’t think I was doing anything harmful until I had true friends. Chris and Megann, mostly. Toward the end of the year, they would bring me food and make me eat it. Believe it or not, I actually gained weight freshman year because my body would hold on to dinner all day. Besides, I would randomly overload on sweets.

After I was diagnosed with anemia, my friend Chris started to really watch me. A few other people as well. They would make me eat. Force me, really. Chris brought me chicken on my birthday. This year I lost ten percent of my body weight, and fell into this black hole of nonstop illness. Thus, I basically just accepted that I would have to eat. I try. But my body is not used to it. I remember the day after I was diagnosed. I ate three meals that day, and vomited at least four times. What the heck? Normal people eat that much plus snacks. my body just doesn’t hold in food very well. It’s getting better, but I still have to eat slowly. And I struggle with motivation. It’s pretty pathetic. It’s like people have to encourage me. I eat the most when people urge me, kindly, to put the food inside of me. Sometimes I fix a large meal, sit down, and eat the whole thing. And then I get excited. I text someone and say “Guess what!! I just ate alllll of my foooood!!!” And they reply and say “That’s great, I’m so proud of you!!!”

Pitiful. Normal people are out there right now writing books and becoming valedictorians, and I just ate a plate of food. Big whoop. The fact that I can’t eat without someone asking me too…. Is sad. And it comes with a mental disease. It’s like, I hate myself for feeling so stupid about something so easy. And then I don’t want to eat because I’m afraid that I’ll get sick. You know, the very first time I had lunch with Daniel, I was afraid that I would eat food and then throw up again and it would be terrible. SO I didn’t eat food with him for a month. I just sat with him while he ate. And then my mom threatened to put me in a hospital. And that scared me, so I forced myself. Sad. Plus, everyone thinks that I don’t eat because I’m anorexic and I think I need to lose weight. That kinda annoys me, the way people just assume that… My mom always says she’s going to put me in a hospital for people with anorexia. I am not anorexic. I’m just a mental mess.

I suppose the moral of the story is this: Just eat it.

And if you have read this far into my rambling post, I admire you.

Kenny

“It will be difficult to break the habits of thinking Abnegation instilled in me, like tugging a single thread from a complex work of embroidery. But I will find new habits, new thoughts, new rules. I will become something else.” -Veronica Roth, Divergent

Allow Me to Inform You…

It was raining so hard…

Hello, people of earth. This is basically another update post of my random thoughts of my favorite moments.

1. Yesterday I spent the day with my marvelous sister.  We went to Walmart to buy some food, which we have not yet eaten. I bought candy corn. You know, there’s something about candy corn that reminds me of home. Wherever that may be. Well, we drove to the train station (singing Bohemian Rhapsody at the top of our lungs) and got onto the next train to ride to the mall. We could have gone to the one that we actually live next to, but… whatever.. I wore jeans and a jacket (and flip-flops), and I honestly felt very cold. We walked to the Half-Price Books first. Bree slipped and got mud all over herself. Just so you guys know, there is nothing magical quite like Half-Price Books. I think it’s the smell. It smells like a happy moment. I ended up buying about five books more than I planned. And here’s the best part: I have been searching for the same book for so long now. And yesterday, I found it….. It’s Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini. Oh my gosh, I have been LONGING for that book! I’m planning on reading that this weekend, along with Water for Elephants.

Well after we paid for our books, we went to the mall. It was raining so hard! We were going, and there was wind, and we were soaked! It was really quite wonderful. We were hungry, so we went to an Asian place. I got some shrimp, which is one of my favorite foods. I haven’t tried much of it. I think I’ve had shrimp four times, maybe. That was some yummy stuff. We also went to a candy shop that reminds me of Christmas. Maybe I’ll post more about that later, but not right now. Overall, it was a pretty good night.

2. Yesterday morning I went to my grandparent’s shop to work. There’s something about that place. Afterward my grandmother took me to Starbucks for a pumpkin spice latte. We all know what that means- good bye, summer. It’s that time of year. I happen to love this time of year. SO MUCH. And I think I’ll write a post about the shop sometime.

3. Yesterday my parents read my blog, which I’m okay with. Everything about me is pretty much out in the open. I’m not really used to it, because I’m used to keeping secrets. Now all my secrets are gone. There’s really nothing for me to keep hidden anymore. Unexpectedly… I feel free. I don’t know why. I guess I’m just glad that I don’t have to keep things hidden anymore. I’m done with that! And looking back, that was the ultimate purpose of this blog. To be free. To let it go. To stop keeping those secrets. And it’s made things so much easier. I’m free from secrets now.

I have a new word lately. It’s called liberty. When I was young, I didn’t understand what it meant. It was just one of those words that you heard in history sometimes. Now that I get it, it has nothing to do with history or politics in my mind. Liberty has one meaning to me.

I’m free.

Kennedy

“With a secret like that, at some point the secret itself becomes irrelevant. The fact that you kept it does not.” -Sara Gruen, Water for Elephants

The Joy of Blood Problems

You guys all know that I don’t sleep much. No big deal, just something about me.

Last night I had a huge amount of homework that I had been “postponing” as long as I could. Basically I needed to do a week of work in 12 measly night hours. Needless to say, it was an all-nighter.

For those of you who don’t know, I have anemia. It’s not like some huge thing (ohmigosh cancer she’s gonna die!). No. It is simply a condition in which my blood doesn’t contain enough red blood cells.

Well, during my homework, I noticed that I was extremely cold. I had been all day, honestly. My bedroom was about 80 degrees, I was wearing pants and a long-sleeved shirt, and I was cold. Brittany explained to me that I was cold because my body didn’t have the right amount of blood to maintain my body temperature. “Oh, well that sucks, guess I’ll be cold.” (I wore my fuzzy pants, tank top, long-sleeved shirt, hoodie, and socks, and still felt cold.)

Well anyways, I took my anemia medicine. A little while later, I took my allergy medicine. Then I felt exhausted, so I had a five hour energy thing (it did not taste like pomegranate, which was disappointing.) Combining these three has to be one of the most stupid things I have ever done.

The result was truly ludicrous.  I was completely insane. Not in a funny way, or in a hyper way, but in a serious and terrible way. I could think about a million things at once. It sounds liberating, but it was dreadful. I had so many thoughts going through my mind… Don’t get me wrong, I was focused on my homework… But there was an extreme sense of “mental deterioration” going on, really.

I really do wish I could describe it. It was as though everything I felt hit me from all directions, a million things at once. I didn’t go to bed, considering how much homework I have.

That morning, I looked in the mirror. Really looked. I studied my face. My irises seemed to be empty. They still had their color, but I could see no depth. My cheeks looked hollow. I had bruises all over. You can’t see those when you’re just talking with me, but it’s pathetic how many bruises I have. I bruise if I hit my elbow on a desk. I have a bruise on my hip where my binder hits it when I walk. If you look close enough, you can kinda see that I look like deterioration. It’s sad.

The worst, in my opinion, is directly below the eyes. Charcoal-colored smudges separate my eyes from my cheeks, creating deep creases. These bags under my eyes developed during freshman year’s musical. They were minor, until stress got real during opening week and UIL competition. Now, half a year later, they are freakishly dark and deep…

I used to ignore those days when I felt sick. Now I don’t think that’s a good thing… I can’t keep falling asleep during classes. I can’t skip taking my medicine every night, because I need to actually take it. And I should probably eat more. People are starting to think I’m anorexic, and I am so not. Like, people have brought me food and made me eat it. They apparently worry about me. I don’t blame them, considering I’ve lost at least six pounds. At least I know which friends are looking out for me, lol.

Anyways… I’m sure you weren’t really interested in my anemia, but it has been affecting my life quite a bit lately. I gotta fix it, because it’s seriously driving me mental. On that note, I need to do homework so that I can sleep. Brittany and I are planning on writing a “self-help” soon, which is going to be quite funny. Hoping you are all in good health!

Kennedy

“I’d rather die than live without mercy and love.” -House of Heroes, “Code Name: Raven”