It Ends With This- True Happiness

I learned to be happy.

Good afternoon, you few readers of my blog! I hope you’re ready for the ending, because I’m ready to post it…

So I left the story with the blurry era. The memories that are dark and dizzying, and the secrets that were heavy and sharp. Well, eventually this stepfather of mine ended up being home alone with my sisters often. I didn’t exactly think of that as a good thing. Actually, I was so worried. I had a counselor at that point. Maybe I should write a post about counselors…. Later. Anyways, I was texting my counselor, who also happened to be a friend from my church, and that was how I revealed to her what happened when I was younger. I just let it out. It wasn’t hard to text it at that point, because it didn’t really feel real. Anyway, she convinced me that I needed to tell my mother.

At that point, I didn’t know what to expect. I mean, I knew my stepfather would be in quite a bit of trouble… I was so silly.

I told my mom one day, very randomly, and we just packed a bag and left the house. After that, there were a few stressful weeks, but I never spoke to that man again. Funny, I lived with him for so many years, and suddenly there was no way I was going to talk to him. He and my mom divorced, obviously. What’s ridiculous is that this was more than a year ago, and the police still haven’t put him in jail…. Isn’t that weird? And since he’s not in jail yet, he has visitation rights with my little sisters, which annoys me.

Well, it was about two months later that my mom was interested in another guy. At first, this basically broke all of my trust with her. All of it was just gone. I can’t say that I judged the situation properly. My mind was blinded by my past. But what I saw was the mother who went and married another guy while I was still openly wounded. It kinda broke any relationship I had with her, although it’s mending. More on that later.

Since my mom was getting married, we had to move to Texas. That was so hard because everyone I knew and loved lived in Albuquerque. It had all of my support. My church family. Well, I was happier than I had been when I was living with that stepfather, but I entered a different kind of depression (I wonder if people can be addicted to sadness… Thoughts?).

It wasn’t until Thanksgiving Day last year that I was happy. Truly happy. I remember something happened with my older sister, and it was terrible, and I had moved, and school sucked, and I just hid in the dark to cry. And then I was praying. And praying. And I asked for God to fill me up.

And then I got it. I was being so selfish. He had been leading me on this amazing journey the whole time, and I hadn’t realized it. I realized that happiness doesn’t rely on whether or not you were having a good day. On the contrary, it is a decision to look at everything God has given you and know that HE is enough.  And I was so happy. Truly happy. And I started to read my Bible more, because I realized that was important. Everything I had been thinking about changed, and it was awesome. I didn’t feel amazing. I chose to get past what I felt and listen to what God was telling me.

I started to change the way I thought about things. The situations in my life stayed the same. I still lived in a place where I knew nobody. I still had exactly two friends. I still had to listen to fights between my mother and former stepfather. But it didn’t matter. I was happy. Not only because of God’s blessings, but because of God himself. And I started to appreciate things. I appreciated the diversity of walking through the halls in the school, even if it was crowded. I appreciated the colors in the sky during the sunrise. I even started to appreciate those infuriating moments, because I knew that one day it would be worse and I would miss this.

Ever since then, I’ve just been so much more happy. I wish other people could feel it. I obviously still have bad days, but I see them and realize that they just happen and God is bigger.  That’s where I am now, and I’m looking forward to whatever bumps in the road are coming up, so that I can stand on top of it and feel taller than the sky. That’s the happy ending, for now! I hope you guys got something out of it, maybe!

Jesus and I love you all!

Kenny 🙂

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson